First Night

First night, I toss in restless grief

Stretch out my arm along the sheets,

I am alive and feeling

But she can’t feel, not ever

 

Inhale, I sigh, relieve the stress

The air fresh, clean to fill my lungs

I am alive, but she will never breathe again

 

I toss again and turn, whole body roll to one side

The warmth and comfort, weight of blankets

I am alive, not her

She cannot turn, lies still, lies heavy

The life force gone forever

 

The tears, hot warmth against my cheek

I am alive, I grieve, I hurt

Not her, she will not cry again

 

Blond hair laid down to sleep

The quiet peace descends

She does not live

Hot tears, for her no more to flow

 

I am alive, in pain, and cry

Not her, no more of life

No more of pain

 

Herself, adrift and free

Somewhere above us now

Again deep throated laugh,

Thumbs up, the wink

 

She’s happy, but not me

My happiness, somewhere

A long and lonely road

 

Her struggles over, but not mine

She is at peace

Alive no more

Alive, I grieve

First night

No child

Forever

 

And all is said and done

 

Kathy Briant, Jan 22/09