Poetry

Poetry

Mourning

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I found myself drifting away
No plan in mind, no plans on anything, no anything
The sense of a terrible wrongness, a lack, a stifling smother
So complete, so deep, so hard, my life submerged
And vanished from sight.

I live with this person, this thing, this nothing
Raw then numb, then raw, then sorrow boundless deep
So totally bereft, strange, unpredictable
In a muffled world with no colour
Sounds as through deep water, or at the end
Of a very, very, very long tunnel, grey uninviting
Turning in upon itself with slow, immutable sureness
Like live meat on a spit.

Can’t think what to do, do nothing, be nothing
Wait for a better time, but what if it never comes?
What if this is life, this half gone, this “done in” bit
What if this thing, this “she” cannot climb out?
New life after all life has gone? Unimaginable
Can’t be, won’t happen, stuck deep in the muddy
Mire of my own mourning, a bleak disconnected world
Of sorrow and hopelessness and stagnant nothing.

I hope I make it, or really I don’t care, don’t hope for much
The simple things, breathe in and out, eat, sleep
Watch out for too much weirdness, stay flat, be by yourself
Remain unemotional until it bursts forth, unbidden, unwanted
The raw grief of suffering will rend my soul apart.
Be good, be patient, be silent, withdraw and try to heal
But what. And how. The feeling is forever, it seems
So now I’ll slow, the weight enormous, the grief rending
My soul to keep.

Kathy Briant
October 15, 2011

First Night

First night, I toss in restless grief

Stretch out my arm along the sheets,

I am alive and feeling

But she can’t feel, not ever

Inhale, I sigh, relieve the stress

The air fresh, clean to fill my lungs

I am alive, but she will never breathe again

I toss again and turn, whole body roll to one side

The warmth and comfort, weight of blankets

I am alive, not her

She cannot turn, lies still, lies heavy

The life force gone forever

The tears, hot warmth against my cheek

I am alive, I grieve, I hurt

Not her, she will not cry again

Blond hair laid down to sleep

The quiet peace descends

She does not live

Hot tears, for her no more to flow

I am alive, in pain, and cry

Not her, no more of life

No more of pain

Herself, adrift and free

Somewhere above us now

Again deep throated laugh,

Thumbs up, the wink

She’s happy, but not me

My happiness, somewhere

A long and lonely road

Her struggles over, but not mine

She is at peace

Alive no more

Alive, I grieve

First night

No child

Forever

And all is said and done

Kathy Briant, Jan 22/09

Shan and Me

Shan and Me

Reflection

A smile that lights the room

A wink

Thumbs up

Deep throated laugh

A heart as big as all outdoors

Despair, in anger and in fear

The anxious sweats

And trembling

Locked isolation

And pain, beyond imagining

Irreconcilable for

Eight

Long

Years

All tucked in nice and safe

The perfect sleep,

So longed for, but eluded

Deep sigh, resigned, she slips away

And peace at last

Kathy Briant, Jan 22/09

Her Joys

A dog

A smoke

Good friends

Hugs

A laugh

And Art, successful

Her things, her space

Tom Jones

Some pizza

Sleep

To camp

To talk

To help

To sooth the hurts

Of others

A coffee

Another smoke

Relax

Be free

And laugh again

Kathy Briant, Jan 22/09

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